Tag Archives: 31 days (confidence)

{Day 23} The Beginning of the End

“Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established … The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”

Proverbs 16:3, 9 (ESV)

A couple of weeks after I wrote in my journal about trusting anyways … through the frustration and the discouragement … I received an email from my placement coordinator that would ultimately be the beginning of the end of this whole application process with the missions organization.

After just submitting several completed medical forms, but still unsure of how my information/application was being evaluated on the other side, I contacted the coordinator about the prospect of placement. She still hadn’t sent me any opportunities to consider (which we had previously discussed), and I was curious (and perhaps a bit impatient…).

I was not prepared, however, for her response suggesting that I consider changing the “face” of my ministry from what I had initially expressed interest in and what I had been communicating with the organization about for months at this point.

She closed her email by suggesting that I think and pray about it.

When I finished reading the email, I felt like the wind had been knocked out me. I literally had to stop and catch my breath.

What was I supposed to do with that?!?

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{Day 22} I Trust Anyways

“Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation.”

Isaiah 12:2 (ESV)

From the journal . . .

Some days, I just don’t want to be here.

At this place in the process. At this place of unknown. At this place of indecision. At this place of discouragement.

But I am here.

And so is He.

Because His promise to be Emmanuel, God with us, doesn’t end in this place.

In some ways, the promise seems strangely sweeter here.

Some of this is hard and some of this even hurts.

I feel stuck and I feel desperate.

But I trust anyways.

{Day 21} Moses’ Confidence / Photo of the Week Forty

Looking Glass Rock from the Blue Ridge Parkway

“Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations. Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever you had formed the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God.”

Prayer of Moses | Psalm 90:1-2 (ESV)

{Day 19} Demanding Trust

“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will do it … Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him.”

Psalm 37:3-5, 7 (NASB)

As I stepped back from the details of this process and attempted to see from an eternal perspective, all I knew with certainty was that the Lord was straight up demanding trust.

It’s as if He was saying:

Don’t you see?

Don’t you get it that when you settle into a direction of obedience, a perceived calling, and think you’re set for a while because you think you know what’s coming, even when your desire is to honor and glorify Me, I will not let you stay there?

Because it’s in those moments when you stop depending on Me and think you can somehow do it yourself, even if just for a little while.

That’s not where I want you.

I want you living in a constant state of desperation for and absolute dependence on Me.

So yes, be confident in following Me, but never stop depending on Me. Never get to a place where you think you’ve got this, where you think you can leave me out of it for a while because you think you already know the next step.

You don’t.

You don’t know what the future holds.

But I do.

Trust that. Trust Me.

{Day 18} Ping-Pong Thoughts

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.”

Isaiah 26:3-4 (ESV)

From the journal . . .

Feeling unsettled in the aftermath of the interview, I’m having one of those days where it feels like my thoughts are playing ping-pong from all the if-this-then-this but if-this-then-that planning going back and forth in my mind that just will. not. stop.

It’s exhausting.

I’m fairly certain I could whip up an impressive multi-column, color-coded masterpiece of a spreadsheet to map out these hypothetical plans if I was so inclined. But I’m not. Yet.

And the only place in the plans that brings any peace is complete surrender to HIM.

My spreadsheets have nothing on the artistry of His Master Plan anyways.

So I force myself into quiet. Even though I don’t feel quiet, even though I don’t feel peace, I start to pray.

And as the words come out of my mouth, somewhat forced at first before beginning to flow more freely from my heart, as I recall Scripture, as I recall His goodness and faithfulness.

It may not all be perfect, it may not all make sense.

But I can know rest. Because I know Him.

And I can release the details of the spreadsheet to Him. Because He never really asked for my help with the plan to begin with. He just said to follow.

{Day 17} The Interview

“The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

Psalm 18:2 (ESV)

So after most of the initial paperwork was handed-in to the missions organization, although several requirements were still pending, I had a scheduled phone interview with a coordinator in the placement office to begin discussing actual in-the-field opportunities.

As soon as I hung up the phone, to say I didn’t think it went very well would be a serious understatement.

Without going into details of the conversation, which in and of itself was fine, I was left with so many questions, doubts, uncertainties, and unknowns that I didn’t know which way was up. This process that had been difficult and challenging, but also exciting and full of potential and opportunity to go serve somewhere, all of a sudden felt like it may not be such a sure thing after all.

What if this wasn’t right?
What if I had misheard God?
What if this process ended without placement?

Then what?

Did that mean I had failed?
Did that mean I didn’t know God’s voice or that I had somehow manipulated circumstances to my own choosing?
Did that simply mean I was being brought to a place of surrender, dependence, and all out trust?

I didn’t want to ask these questions out of fear … of going, of change, of unknown.

And I didn’t want to question my motives unnecessarily.

But I did want to honestly evaluate where I was and where I was headed to ensure that at each turn, I was following the Lord.

This process, each unknown step, was grounded in the Lord … my rock and my stronghold.

If not being placed (which at that moment I perceived as complete failure) was the worst that happened, God would still be God. Still good. Still sovereign.

And with that perspective, there was nothing left to fear.

I could trust. I could rest.

Because He’s got this.