**this was originally posted on 05/10/12. while behind the scenes i was furiously working on the full application that preceded acceptance with the missions organization. and doubting that i was good enough for the task.**
“Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”
– Philippians 3:12-14 (ESV)
What makes me think if I can’t manage time and priorities here in relative comfort, stability and ease, that I can manage time and priorities there in the midst of potential discomfort and unknown?
What makes me think if I can’t reach outside of myself here to fully invest in others as I should, that I can fully invest there within a limited framework?
What makes me think if I can’t write here from my heart for me (much less for them), that I can write there so publicly?
What makes me think if I can’t find the balance and consistency in the Word here that is right, that I can be consistent there in new and unfamiliar surroundings?
Yet even as I continue to ask the questions, which all really boil down to just one question of my own ability, and begin to acknowledge the underlying fears, I already know the answer. It’s the same answer I received so powerfully and directly on that old hotel room floor in Ocean City six years ago.
I can’t. But HE can.
And as I hear that truth once again, as I not only hear it, but believe it, as it resonates deep within me, the Lord comes in gently and lovingly (though not painlessly) to once again strip me of my pride and self-sufficiency and independence. Because this relationship, this walking with Him, this following Him, was never intended to be that way.
None of this depends on me. It never did. This is not about me at all. It never was.
It’s about trusting in Him, leaning into Him, depending on Him. It’s about surrendering self and sacrificing independence. It’s about acknowledging His strength in my weakness, His sufficiency in my insufficiency, His righteousness in my unrighteousness.
Both my here and my there are His. For His purpose and for His glory.