Tag Archives: moving

Finding My Way Back Home

“For we know that if the tent
that is our earthly home
is destroyed…”

I’ve been in this new place for a little over six weeks now.

I knew going into this move that I don’t handle change well, and for a variety of reasons, this change seemed particularly hard and challenging and uncomfortable.

In some ways, I’ve settled into the new routine of it all much faster than I anticipated and have been able to get rid of far more [ultimately meaningless and non-essential] possessions than I thought my heart could handle.

After reading and pondering “Packing Light”, I might even consider giving up my couch when the time comes … I’ll officially cross that bridge when I get there. But the giraffe-print chair is staying. Period.

finding my way back home

But in other ways, I’m still fighting a constant battle.

I miss home. This house doesn’t feel like home yet. And as hard as it is to admit, I think there’s a big part of me that doesn’t want to make this house my home. Because it’s not exactly my home. It seems all too temporary for that, and I’m not sure I like what calling it home would represent. The duration and future at this house is just still so unknown. In all fairness, life in general is much that way as well.

But I’m willing to consider that perhaps that is exactly why I still feel so restless (of the entirely unhelpful and I-just-can’t-sit-still variety) in this new place.

That perhaps I’ve been fighting so hard against the idea of making it home that I’m winning this battle in my mind that never should have been waged in the first place.

That perhaps I have far more control over the way I feel and react towards this house than I realize.

That perhaps there’s a better reality – a truth, even – that I’m blind towards at the moment.

That perhaps I play a part in the unveiling of that truth by choosing where (and on Whom) to set my mind.

That perhaps it’s perfectly acceptable for this house that’s not mine to be a home for a season, no matter how short.

That perhaps home has far less to do with a physical house than with a state of my heart and soul.

That perhaps home has far more to do with resting in Christ where I am in this moment, wherever that happens to be.

“…we have a building from God,
a house not made with hands,
eternal in the heavens.”

I crave stability and security. I crave the comfort and familiarity of home.

But although I’m most definitely still a work in progress, I’m learning that apart from Christ, such things that I want and seek and crave just plain don’t exist.

While these things used to exist within the confines of a physical place for me, in this season of transition and a whole lot of newness, I find that the definition of home as a physical location having these characteristics is severely lacking and incomplete. This place I live isn’t my home. At least not in the sense I’ve known it before. At least not yet.

And all of those definitions of home floating around on Pinterest (you know, the ones that claim home is with the ones you love, or some variation thereof…) don’t hold up all that well for a single person with no prospective significant other.

So at its core, home must mean something else entirely.

I won’t claim to have figured out the best or most right definition for this thing we hold so dear and call home, but I suspect it has more to do with finding contentment of mind, security of heart, and comfort of soul in the person and presence of Jesus Christ than in any physical location or material thing.

And that’s not to say that the physical place we call home and those we share it with on this earth don’t matter. I think they do to some degree. A home (which looks very different person to person and culture to culture) is important. But the truth it represents is even more important. By extending the definition of home beyond my external circumstances, the transient nature of this life doesn’t dictate the settledness of my soul.

Whether I have one house or one room or nothing at all to call my own, I can find home wherever I am. Right now. Today. Because my Rock never changes and my Foundation is eternally secure.

That’s what home is really all about, isn’t it?

A constant place of haven and rest, a quiet place to dwell, a familiar place for our hearts to settle, a place where there’s freedom to just be, a place where we can be restored and renewed away from the world with all of its unending noise and demands.

So I’m finding my way back home, and as I am, I’m realizing that the place my soul is searching for can never truly be satisfied on this earth. But until I reach the completeness, the fullness, and the perfection of my eternal home, I more desperately seek Him and more tightly hold onto the promise of His presence with me always. Here. Home.

“He who has prepared us for this very thing is God,
who has given us the Spirit
as a guarantee.”
2 Corinthians 5:1&5 (ESV)

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5 Things

5 Things

1) This photo. Summer colors and sunshine. Amen.

2) Moving has as much to do with the heart as it is a physical act. I’m still learning.

3) My blogging schedule is clearly a mess these days (refer to #2). I intend to get back to Tuesday / Friday posts soon. But giving myself a little grace through the end of the summer to get back into a good rhythm.

4) The anniversary of my little brother’s death is coming up on Monday, July 29th. It’s been 11 years. That sounds like such an anti-climactic number, but I always seem to find myself a little more contemplative in the weeks surrounding this date. I never really know how I’m going to react on the anniversary day itself. I just can’t always anticipate how grief will look, but I’m still learning to just ride the waves as they come.

5) I am a hot mess of runaway thoughts and emotions these days. And the more I try to control it, the more out of control I feel. I hate it and I love it. Hate it because it’s wildly uncomfortable. But love it because it forces me to Jesus in a whole new way. And that’s really precious.

As a words person, it pains me to not be able to exactly describe what I mean. But I just can’t. I’m not sure I even fully understand. I just know it’s like I’m walking in this deep and intentional relationship, and when I miss spending time with Him, I feel like I can’t breathe quite right. Because He’s my constant and my rest and my relief and my all. He physically calms me. Though I’m still trying to figure out how to hold onto that calm for a little longer throughout each day. And I’m still learning how to react to situations in a manner that reflects His presence well.

But I’m more desperate for Him and more dependent on Him. I feel like I’m getting life all wrong, but He’s so near. So I’m literally attempting to walk right on His heels just to stay near Him and to know where to go next. Though from that place right on His heels, all I can really see is Him. And while that means I don’t know much at all about where we’re headed, I trust it’s good.

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*07/31/13 update: I didn’t plan on using this post to link up with Emily Freeman at Chatting at the Sky for her “what we learned in July” linky, but I realized that I repeated the phrase “I’m still learning…” several times, so I’m thinking it counts! Thanks for stopping by!*

The Part About Moving I Don’t Remember Hearing

This moving thing.

It’s messing with me in all sorts of ways.

With my routine. With my comfortable and familiar. With my control. With my ownership of, well, anything.

And I’m not even moving that far away.

I suppose any move involves a certain degree of figuring out and re-organizing and shuffling around and re-prioritizing.

But this is new for me.

I haven’t moved all that much, and this weekend, I’ll be moving for the first time in 5 years.

That’s right. I’m the single 20-something that 6 years later still has the same job I began the summer after I graduated college and still has the same roommate in the same rented townhouse I moved into one year later.

And now that roommate is buying a house. And so I’m moving with her.

the part about moving i don't remember hearing

And truth? There are parts of this move that scare me. There’s some unknown here. There are fears I haven’t yet fully figured out. Even some of the irrational ones (because even I know I’m being ridiculous about certain things…).

But when I share things about this move that are hard, no one seems overly surprised. Everyone seems to understand how disorienting and frustrating and draining a move is.

But it’s not something I remember hearing.

Oh, the living out of boxes thing, yes. The inconvenience of it all, sure.

But this heart stuff? Not so much.

But if there’s anything I’m learning in the process, it’s that this move is not just a physical thing.

And in some ways, because of that, it might be a catalyst for something really good. An opportunity to be pruned and refined.

But it’s hard. And some of it hurts. And I just can’t seem to get a grip on it.

I can’t get a grip on what’s going on in my own head. I can’t make myself think a certain way or react a certain way.

Even when I know my approach is all wrong. Even when I can see (when I force myself to look at it somewhat objectively) that I’m being ridiculous and self-centered and unChristlike.

But by trying so hard to wrap my own head around what’s going on in myself, I haven’t been seeking Christ nearly enough.

With all of my margin pushed out and my mental energy spent, I just plain haven’t been spending the time with Him that would actually begin to make the somewhat uncomfortable and unknown seem less like a big deal.

And I know that the more I seek to get Him right in front of my face, the more my own thoughts and inadequacies fade from significance and prominence.

And I know that the more I’m in His Word and intentionally mindful of His presence, the more anything seems possible because my hope and security and trust is firmly rooted in Him and His Word and His promises.

And I know that more than anything, I need Him in the midst of this.

Desperately.

I don’t expect a change in me to happen overnight. I will likely continue to handle aspects of this move ridiculously and immaturely and all wrong.

But I also know my hope … my trust and my security and my stability … is in Christ alone.

Even when my life is in boxes. Even when I’m spent and I’m at the end of myself and I have nothing left.

So through the hard and the hurt of this move, I still choose Him. I press on. I lean in.

And I pray with everything in me that through it all, He does in me what I cannot do in myself.

That He changes the parts of my heart that need changing. That He conforms me to His image. That this move, in all of its momentary discomfort, doesn’t win. That I would be more firmly grounded in Him.

“This God – his way is perfect;
the Word of the Lord proves true;
he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.
For who is God, but the Lord?
And who is a rock, except our God?”
2 Samuel 22:31-32 (ESV)

5 Things I Learned in June

1. Just listening to this girl share stories from her recent experience on the World Race was life changing. And when she challenged us by asking the question, “What if we would just be the Church?” Um, yes and amen! You can’t NOT see Jesus all over that!

2. Apparently, drivers in Charlotte are unaware that when traffic lights are out due to a power outage, it is proper to treat the intersection as a four way stop. Or at least approach with caution – it is just plain not wise to barrel through said intersection at 60mph. For the record, the lights went out twice in one week this month.

3. Packing to move is hard work. And overwhelming. And takes up mental space and energy. No lie. But my mama can pack more in two hours than I can wrap my brain around packing in two weeks. Thanks, Mom!

4. Two introverts who have only ever spent a handful of days together can get together for frozen yogurt on a Saturday afternoon and have it turn into a ridiculously wonderful four hours together of pretty much non-stop conversation bouncing from one topic to the next and back again.

5 things i learned in june

5. Wendy’s Frosty in a waffle cone. Y’all. Pure genius. So good!

What have you learned this month?

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*linking up today with Emily Freeman at Chatting at the Sky as we all share different things we learned in June*